Every time I took a bite of food, there was always a feeling in the pit of my stomach: Is it safe?

Am I going to have an allergic reaction? Was there any cross-contamination? Did the server really understand that I have a nut allergy?

These questions constantly ran through my mind whenever I went out to eat. I have had a nut allergy for as long as I can remember. It has always been a major part of my life, especially because my mom is an allergist. From a young age, my parents taught me that I always need to carry an EpiPen around and tell waitresses that I have a nut allergy. Every time I went to a birthday party, I would let the host know about my allergy and remind myself not to eat anything if I wasn’t completely sure what was in it. These precautions became second nature to me.

The hardest part, though, wasn’t the allergy itself. It was the feeling of missing out. I would go out with friends and family and watch them enjoy foods that I couldn’t have. I was constantly saying “ it’s okay, I will eat something at home.” But deep down, it wasn't really okay. The feeling of missing out never went away. I couldn’t help but wonder: why did I always have to miss out on little joys just because of a food allergy? Shortly after, I was introduced to oral immunotherapy.

When I first heard of OIT, I was hesitant. The idea of having to eat something I didn’t particularly enjoy every night did not sound very appealing. I would have to bring it with me on trips, to sleepovers, and even remember to take it when I came home late at night. As an athlete with a busy schedule, that commitment seemed especially difficult. Having to take them on trips, sleepovers, and when I would come home late at night. This was especially hard for me because I am an athlete.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe it would all be worth it. Maybe my constant state of fear could finally begin to fade. Maybe I could enjoy the little things without constantly worrying about whether my food was safe. Maybe I could take a weight off my shoulders that I had been carrying for as long as I could remember.

I specifically remember the day I started treatment. I walked into the doctor's office and saw my crushed peanuts laying right in front of me. I had never intentionally eaten a peanut in my life, and now one was sitting just inches away from me. I am not going to sugarcoat it–I was scared.

Scared of what was ahead of me and how my body would react. For the next few hours, it was a cycle of eating and waiting. Thankfully, the initial test was a success. I didn’t have a reaction, which helped calm my nerves. Taking my dose at home during those first few weeks was still scary. It felt like the biggest part of my day. But over time, I got used to it. What once felt overwhelming slowly became a habit. A little while after I had started treatment, my family and I went on a trip abroad. We walked into a bakery, and normally, I would have dreaded going inside. I hated going to bakeries with my family because I knew I probably wouldn’t get anything.

But this time was different. I stood at the cash register with confidence. For the first time, I knew I had a chance to eat something without being consumed by the fear of having a reaction. It may have seemed like a small moment to someone else, but to me, it represented something much bigger: confidence. After three years of OIT, I can say that it was worth it. Although taking my dose every night was sometimes difficult, I knew that each dose was helping me gain something I had wanted for years- which was the ability to live with less fear.

I no longer have to constantly wonder whether food might have come into contact with a nut.

And most importantly, I no longer feel like I have to miss out on the little joys that everyone else gets to experience.

My food allergy will always be a part of my life, but it no longer has to control it.